Today marks a significant today, for it’s the day I chose to decline the fifth stage of the interview process - a second, gigantic task for a marketing role within a music label.
I have been unemployed since October 2023 and have been at the “last stage” of many roles. After quitting a job in the music industry I have been teetering on the edge of similar companies, silently hoping for a rejection.
Regarding the one I withdrew from today, I had two interviews and a task, before being put forward to a more senior position within the company, which led me to further interviews. Unlike the many other industry roles I have been in the process for, I was surprised to have had a good vibe from the people who worked there. There were many women in management (rare), and everyone I met seemed warm and passionate about their work. I can’t knock them for that.
After my last - and I thought final - interview, the company set me another task to complete by the end of the week. The Irish in me said ‘feck off, immediately (internally of course). But the ‘feck off turned to resentment, to procrastination, and eventually a meltdown. Surely by now, at the fourth stage of an interview process, having already completed tasks and met on numerous occasions online and in person, enough will have been learned from each other to take the gamble that we may, or may not, be a match.
Underpinning my confusion of “do I even want this job anyway, or indeed any job in music marketing?” is that, actually, I have always dreamed of being a writer.
In my mind, this seems both completely possible and dangerously implausible. I dance between a dream world and reality, making choices out of necessity, not will. Since quitting my job at the end of last year, I have practised writing again, which some of you may have seen, but in general, I skirt around my passion like a lovesick teenager hoping for their crush to notice them. I’ve been waiting for my dreams to make the first move.
I am lucky to know many inspiring people. I have friends who have taken risks and chosen a life completely aligned with their heart's desires. I watch them, sometimes in awe and then in envy, feeling out of control of my destiny.
Fear of failing holds me back, as of judgement from myself and others that:
I can’t shut up and accept the life I am given
We all have tough choices to make in life and you should be lucky to be working at all
You need to be realistic about this world and what it has to offer
I am privileged and ungrateful
I dream too much and don’t work hard enough
I’m not even that good at writing anyway
Yet, no matter the years that pass, the jobs I undertake, the people I meet, the countries I visit, the relationships I have, or even how much I have changed within myself, one element of my existence remains the same: I just want to write.
So this is a pledge to myself and anyone else that may be reading. Saying no to this role held a lot of weight for me because I was saying no to continuously pursuing that which doesn’t align with me. I loved music for a while, but I was disenchanted by the industry and I’m not sure if it will ever hold the same magic for me.
Music, however, is a love that will never leave me.
I might be rusty and my grammar may need tightening. Perhaps I could have explained this story better. Maybe the wording wasn’t enough to keep anyone reading up until this point, or even at all. However, I pledge to keep trying.
I am working past the grumbles of my own negative beliefs about my worth or talent. Certainly, there are more pressing issues in the world and others who are far less fortunate to obsess over their dreams. And my ramblings can be considered self-absorbed.
However, in my corner of the world, in my little life, something is telling me this is my direction.
To whoever has read this far, take this as a commitment to you as a reader and to myself as a writer, that I will put everything into making my work succeed.
I will work tirelessly to improve, overcome the fear of judgement and failure, and create stories from the heart, that might mean something to you and help you to feel less alone.
Because ultimately, that’s what being a writer is all about. Connection and feeling less alone.
For now, I am resurrecting this website until I sort out a new one. I’ll be updating you on my progress, my work, and my insights.
I hope this journey can inspire you or anyone else who might be struggling with purpose, and running away from their talents.
P.S. Some exciting announcements are coming soon, watch this space!